It's a Wednesday night and you're fresh from a coffee date that you feel went pretty good. She laughed at your weak impression of Elvis, she shared her back-story without boring you and what was to be an hour meeting became two.
When it was time to say goodbye out on the street you warmly hugged and agreed you'd both like to see each other again.
So now you sit on the couch with the phone in your hand staring at her number you have on speed dial.
There's a pang of anxiety that hits as you press "Dial"...It rings...and rings...Damn! It's voice mail. You hear her pleasant voice on the recorded message and it takes you back to seeing her across the table. You smile. Then you hear the tone as your mind scrambles for something clever and witty to say.
"Uh hi Tammy...It's Craig...from last Sunday at the coffee shop...I hope you are doing great. Listen...It be great to see you again...I was wondering if you'd like to....hangout Friday night or something. Let me know...Okay my number's 555-4568. Talk soon!"
You put the phone down on the coffee table and ring your hands out on your pants and wonder, Did I sound good? Was that a good message? I wonder if she'll call back...Damn! I should have just text her.
However, it doesn't really matter because Tammy does not call you back. So you text, "Hey Tammy, Craig here...left you a voice mail yesterday...not sure if you got it. Would you like to hang out Friday? Let me know. Craig (AKA The King) LOL :)"
So you wait...perhaps send a second text later in the day...still nothing.
The inner dialogue starts to kick in, Damn! What the hell! I mean I thought it went pretty good and we had a good connection.
Then it happens...your phone chimes that you have a text message....It's her! "Hey Craig...Tammy here...Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. Been crazy-busy. As much as I'd like to hang out with you, I'm busy Friday night. Maybe we can get together later next week. Let's keep in touch."
Boom! There's no way that this connection is getting off the ground. So what went wrong?
I'll spell it out for you shortly but first I want to make it clear that it does not matter if you are in a long-term committed relationship, married, single or starting over again. The fact is, men tend to do some pretty dumb-dumb shit to F-up their relationships. Many before they even begin.
I know...I'm a man. I've made more than my fair share of relationship gaffs, snafus and blunders. Some real bone-head, dingbat, asleep-at-the-wheel plays that caused me to lose-out on some real magic in my past.
However, over the years I've been blessed to take the 100 foot view of my life. I have learned from some of the greats about dating and relationships. As "THE Coach For Men" I have immersed myself for the last 4 years in all-things about relationships, men, women and personal development. Plus a life-time of relationships that run the gamut of experience and learning. The irony and gift is that my clients get the benefit of knowing I've been there.
Every man or woman reading this can relate to what I am sharing.
I'm going to cut you some slack though. When it comes to relations I will give you a bit of an "Out" here. Most men are not doing these screw ups consciously.
Many of these self-destructing behaviours are coming from unconscious programming we all have. Most of it has been with you since your childhood.
However, you cannot plead ignorance and think you can still get away with it.
This is about awareness. If I can help to wake you up to some truths, then perhaps it could help you get the girl or salvage your existing relationship.
So here are the 5 ways Men F-Up Their Chances At Romance:
1) Not Clear On What He Wants - So many men today are guilty of doing one of the weakest moves that drive women crazy.
Let's look back at how Craig engaged Tammy for a second date. And most likely the biggest reason she did not call him back right away. Here it is: Craig calls her up to "hang out". To hang out! WTF! Stop doing this weak-kneed, spineless and uncommitted thing you call hanging out! Yuck!
What is it with some of you men that has you thinking that "hanging out" is some neutral, safe, none-threatening space she's free to be herself in? When you ask her to "Hangout", "Go-do-stuff" or "chill", you are setting yourself up to put yourself in the "friend zone" where you will most likely never recover from!
If you want to see her again! Claim it! Tell her you want to take her on a DATE! A date implies flirting, romantic possibilities, sexual tension and attraction.
Tammy does not want another buddy to hang out with. She has plenty of guy and gal pals to do that with. She wants a man that is clear on what he wants.
2) Being Too Needy - Coming to her emotional rescue is one thing, but being "always there", calling or texting too much and clingy gets you the opposite of what you desire.
This comes from deep insecurity. You have lost your identity and instead made it to be about the two of you.
Do you need to hear she likes or loves you all the time? Do you sacrifice time with your buddies or your old activities just to spend more time with her?
Neediness is a tough one and it comes from low self-esteem. A big part of it comes from the fact that you can't believe you snagged a woman to actually be in a relationship with you. This send a vibration of desperate energy out to the world and she can feel it too! You are seeking someone to validate you!
Allow for space and time in the relationship. Let her come to you at least 60% of the time. This is so she feels you are the man in the relationship. She does not want to Mother you or build you up.
She needs to know you have your own sense of purpose and passion for life. That you have interests outside the relationship that you will not sacrifice. They are yours and she has hers. So dig in to your purpose and passion. Get busy with your life. Go find some hobbies, network with friends and know you are a man of worth from within.
3) Unchecked Bad Habits - You did all the right things, yet she did not call you back. Perhaps it's not about what you did. Maybe it's what you didn't do. There are a lot of men walking around unconscious of how they show up to other people. Its like going on a date and you find out they are a terrible kisser.
I find it strange that someone could go through life under the assumption they are a good kisser and yet are the worst. The truth is, unless someone says something...bad habitual patterns are seldom uncovered and corrected so we go through life unaware of how it turns people off.
You might have gotten it in your head that steady eyer contact meant you are listening intently. But instead it creeps people out. You might be an enthusiastic eater, but instead look like you bellied up to the trough and left your etiquette at the door. You may have thought that the breath mints were enough but your chronic halitosis from your gum disease is ruining it for you.
Maybe you suck at ready signs and signals of interest from your date. Maybe you touch way to soon. Maybe you talk about sex too fast. Perhaps you talk about things that are too personal and sensitive way too quickly.
These are all bad habits that are all unchecked and we repeat them over and over again and wonder why we don't have more friends, dates or relationships.
It's important to do an inventory of all your social mannerisms. Ask a good friend, family member or if you have the guts, a previous date. Ask them if there are any social idiosyncrasies that they feel could be improved on or eliminated to help you be more successful out there in the dating world. Be ready to hear what may be a complete surprise, but also be prepared to make some changes.
A Remarkable Man is all about complete personal self-development. You want to know every aspect of how you are showing up out there in the world. Always make your self awareness and improvement your priority.
4) Not enough Masculine Energy - This seems to be one of the biggest unconscious challenges men are faced with today. For most guys they think that because they are a man that the masculine energy would just be there by default. Not so fast.
In my book, The Remarkable Man I go into detail about how the masculine and feminine energies are showing up in both men and women.
Today's empowered woman is actually more in her masculine energy that ever before. She has to be in order to be productive in the work place. Yet too many men are succumbing and bowing to her masculine rather than owning his.
The truth is, women are very aware of energy and she can feel if she's stronger emotionally that him. She longs to be in her feminine energy. She needs YOU to help her let go of her masculine so she can free up her feminine. You do this by standing tall in your authentic masculine power.
If there was one role that men are to have in a relationship with a woman, it is to help her be in her feminine energy! If you get this you will have your dream relationship.
You get into your authentic masculine power by being more decisive. Be a planner. Be a man that gets shit done! Be unattached to outcomes. Roll with what you have. Being with you makes her feel better than before. Work out with intensity and make your health and fitness a priority. The authentic masculine is heart-centered. You are compassionate. You listen. You are confident sexually. You take the time to course-correct and learn from your mistakes.
5) You manifest toxic people - This is one of those classic head scratchers. Date after date or one relationship to the next you seem to get the lowest hanging fruit of the dating scene. Each one seems to come with a Darwin Award to put on the mantle.
These are people that take advantage of you. They use you for rides, meals, rent, concerts and to help raise their kids. They may be alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers and cheaters. They may even have a whole extended family of wing-nuts that you take on.
The pattern is more common than you think. In truth, these are the people you are manifesting because subconsciously these are the people you think you deserve. You have a "Rescuer" program. You think you'll ride in on your white stallion and save the day and she'll change and all will be right in the world.
Wake up! In reality, you take on all of her neuroses as a coping mechanism of your own toxic crap. Hopefully hers are worse so you feel better about your own. Rescuers (I was one of them) get their sense of self-worth from some F'ed up sense of chivalry. In truth it is YOU that needs rescuing. She'll use you, ignore you and leave you wanting more.
If you are making her a priority in your life while you are an option in hers...you need to re-evaluate how you are showing up Brother!
We manifest people that are mirrors of who we are. They reflect back aspects of ourselves we tend to ignore. That might sting, but it is the truth.
If you want to break this pattern you have to do a deep dive into your values and boundaries. Only when you value who you are and set boundaries to enforce those values will you see change.
You have to take a stand for the man you are and the man you want to be. You must raise your standards and actually pursue people that you think are out of your league. Treat yourself with respect in all you do.
So many men are perplexed and challenged with today's women and often lament at how messed up they are. That they're unreasonable and too hard to date.
In truth, it is all about you. It is about how you are approaching the dating scene or your relationship. It's about you quitting too soon or not being savvy enough to see what's missing and what you need to do to improve yourself.
As a Remarkable Man you must do what's necessary to own the man you are. Nothing outside of you is happening without you being responsible for how it shows up.
You can have your cake and eat it too. You just have to make your personal growth and awareness a priority. Stay safe, be respectful and strive to make people's lives better for having known you.
Remember: You are not alone on the journey...I've got your back!
If you liked this post please share, like and comment on it. I'd love to hear from you.
THE Coach For Men
If you'd like to create a remarkable life I invite you to explore your coaching options at: www.DwayneKlassen.com