I had an interesting dilemma put forth to me by a client that has been in a new relationship for about two months.
She is all he's ever wanted: she's cute, she's fun, she's got quirky sense of humour and she's got a penchant for the unpredictable. One of those things just happens to be kissing passionately any time, any where. She loves PDA - public displays of affection.
For most guys this sounds like a great scenario to be in. I mean, Damn! That's kinda hot!
But this is not his reality nor his brand of PDA because he is more reserved. He loves the passion between them but as long as it is at home or somewhere private.
He is having a hard time with telling her that it's not appropriate at restaurants, gatherings with friends or out in public where people could be offended.
He adores her but just wants her to dial it down when out and about in the city.
He recently reacted to her PDA while out watching a band at a night club. She just did not want to stop kissing and touching him. He felt that if she could have her way she would have had sex right there in front of everyone.
He snapped and brought it up and she ended up getting all pouting and distant. She was feeling rejected and disconnected the rest of the night and it had been a bit tense ever since.
Here's what's happening — these two people have two different values and boundaries around showing and expressing their love and affection.
She sees PDA as a way to be close and affectionate. More than that, she also derives physical and sexual pleasure from amping up her PDA. Given the description he gives of her, I also feel that her self worth is also wrapped around the constant need to be affectionate in order for her to be wanted, desired and loved. That's another blog post.
He has more conservative values. He admits he loves holding hands, hugs, quick kisses and being playful, but he has a strong limit to how far that goes. He feels dirty, disrespectful and ashamed to kiss hard and passionately in public.
Each one is running a program that, if not dealt with, will ruin the passion and cause the eventual demise of the relationship.
I actually asked him, "If you did not have this conservative program running and did not see her brand of PDA as disrespectful to others...if you were to let go of all those filters...does it turn you on? Do you enjoy it when she's passionate like that in public?
He thought about it and said somewhat surprised, "Yeah, I guess I do...I mean she's really a great kisser!"
So without the filter he was programmed with...he actually enjoys her
So here's what I told him and this is what you can do to get more of the PDA you want in your relationship.
When you get together again plan time to sit down and talk.
I tell my clients and my fans that they need to initiate authentic conversations to handle issues and challenges rather than waiting for her to say the dreaded, "We need to talk." line.
I told him to express to her how wildly crazy he is about her. How he loves to be around her, how he loves the great sex and passion between them. How he loves her desire to be affectionate around him anytime anywhere. Smile and laugh when bringing this up. Make her feel that this is the wild part that has you experiencing a new thing.
She should not be made to feel broken, weird or a freak. She has just introduced you to a behaviour that you are not use to. This is all on you...You then share why you are wired the way you are wired and why it weirds you out when she's overly affectionate in public. Remember it's not her stuff, it's your stuff! You're the one with the problem with it.
Let her know it turns you on to no end and that you would never want to snuff out her flame. She just needs to meet you half way and dial it down in these circumstances.
PDA has many levels of expression. It can be sweet and charming with holding hands and cuddling, flirting and kissing playfully. It can be viewed as one of the most romantic, unabashed expression of love and desire for one's partner.
However, If its over the top it can also be viewed as vulgar, disrespectful and shameless.
Yeah! I can see some of you smirking! Some couples actually enjoy getting a rise out of the people around them by pushing the boundaries of their affection. That's cool and I applaud your naughty nature. Let's be clear — being lusty, feeling each other up and having sex in public is not PDA! That's whole other blog post.
PDA is: Public displays of AFFECTION! Affection is the softer sweeter and flirtatious precursor to lust, naughtiness and sex! Each has its place!
Guys, hold her hand, be playful, be silly and kiss her when the mood strikes. Keep he warm. Show her that being with her matters and that you are proud of the woman in your life. This helps her to feel your playful nature. That you are fun, spontaneous and her champion.
Our world can be a pretty nasty and lonely place at times. So when you see a couple joyfully expressing their love and affection for one another, rejoice that love was expressed near you. Thank the Universe for bringing it into your awareness.
Better yet be that couple now or in the future. Show the world what being in love can look and feel like.
Remember: You are not alone on the journey...I've got your back!
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