There's No "S" On My Chest - Notes From A Recovered Rescuer
At some point in every man's life he will encounter a damsel in distress. For most guys it's his natural instinct to come to her aid and save the day.
The challenges that she may be facing could be from having car trouble to trying to leave and abusive unloving relationship. Upon seeing or hearing this he'll come into the situation with gallantry, confidence and a sense of perfection unmatched by mortal men.
On the surface this sounds really great and has that romantic touch that has women swooning and men saying, "Well played Sir!"
However, you have to be careful here. Rarely are these scenarios quite like they seem. Especially when we move into the realm of relationships.
You see I was a card carrying "rescuer" most of my adult life. Yes, indeed! I would manifest women that had one thing in common...they were all abandoned by their fathers. Quite an interesting coincidence don't you think?
So needless to say they brought a curtain number of issues, stories and dramas into the relationship. All of which I could magically take care of with a simple visit to the nearest phone booth so I could transform into "Rescue Man".
So to all you self-confessed rescuers involved in drama filled, f'ed up, and wildly insane relationships that have you scratching your head as to why you manifested this reality, I have got some news for you...It's YOU that's needing rescuing!
Isn't it a coincidence you manage to find the hot babes with "daddy issues", the single mom raising her awesome kids alone, or how each of her previous lovers pale in comparison because, "You're the most amazing man I have ever been with."
It stands to reason you think you are doing your good deed in this life time by being the most charismatic and "sane" man these women have ever experienced.
Of course! That's just how you roll!
In truth, the payoff is more than their happiness. It's about what the payoff is to YOU!
Here's where it gets interesting. This is where the rub is. This is also what landed for me to open my eyes and see the truth behind the rescuer badge I so proudly wore.
There's a part of you that needs to hear those words of endearment. You rescue because you need to feel validated. You derive a big part of your self worth by how much you can "rescue" her.
The rescuer story can sound great to many when it is told. But in truth it is actually the makings of a very dysfunctional relationship.
In most cases the rescuer position is unsustainable. Women, given the right conditions, will seek to learn, grow and understand themselves. Especially if her man is guiding her to new awarenesses.
It won't be long before she finds her power in the relationship. When she does, where's the need for the rescuer? You've just kicked out a big part of your value in the relationship!
Now the pendulum swings. Your self esteem and self worth tank. Her values and boundaries become stronger and you begin to resent her. You'll play all kinds of passive/aggressive games and eventually turtle into your corner until she's so sick of you that she wants to leave you.
This is awesome how it all plays out because it allows both of you to play out your unconscious relationship programs and you both get to justify the stories about the relationships you manifest.
How about a little insight on how you can put your super hero costume away for good and be grounded in knowing you are a Remarkable Man with the women or partner in your life?
1) Up-Level your relationships - If you continue to be attracted to or chase women that are drama filled, weak and unconscious of their power, then you will continue to play out your crazy life!
They are all mirrors to a part of who you are!
If you have to go for the low hanging fruit then you are discounting your worth. Too many guys do this after they leave a relationship with a strong empowered woman. He will go for a woman that feeds into his ego and sense of self worth. Stop it!
Level-up guys! Do what it takes to better yourself, get around high calibre women that see your worth without being needy. This is the kind of validation that shows you how far you've come.
2) Seek To Understand - Too Many men are going through life with a lot of unconscious programs from his past that he does not see or know why they are there and what they are doing to mess up his relationships.
How you show up in relationships has a lot to do with your parental programs. You tend to show up the way your dad did in certain scenarios and you show up as your mother did in others.
Sure you may think you are assuring your own way of doing things. Or "Hell no! I am never going to be like my Dad was!" However, in some ways...there it is! The reason is, it's very hard to break free of these programs. They become a default way of being. Seek to know yourself better. Get help or higher a coach in this area if you cannot do it on your own.
3) Where do you need rescuing? - If the idea of the rescuer rescues people because it is actually he that needs rescuing, then where in your life do you need to be rescued?
What wounds are you masking? What stories are you creating?
You have every reason and right to have the desire to be wanted, valued and appreciated for the man you are.
So get real with it. What is the motive behind the need to rescue her? What's the payoff?
Where do you get your ROI? What do you get in return?
Your sense of value and what it means to be her champion should come from a much more powerful place within. Set your sights higher for what it is you want in a relationship.
It's okay to come to the terminal with a couple of carry-ons. However, if you insist on having people come into your life's journey packing a lifetime of emotional baggage so you can get validating by helping to clean it up, chances are you have a ton of baggage of your own you are ignoring.
Gentlemen, life's too short to be drowning in other people's dramas and programs. Retire the super hero suit and allow you self worth to be generated from within. From the man you are and the man you are becoming.
Constantly sharpen the saw of your personal growth, business acumen and how best to serve your relationships from a place of solid values and boundaries.
When you do, you can let go of the need to rescue and as serendipity would have it, the life you rescue becomes your own.
Remember, You are not alone on the journey...I've got your back!
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