How To Stop Playing Small In Your Relationship
"No, you pick the movie Sweetie."
"What ever restaurant you want Hon I'm fine with that." "No, I'll stay home and be with you...the guys can go on without me."
If this sounds like you in your relationship or in your dating world you might as well be saying,
"Hey, please Baby..I need your approval and attention. I'll do anything to please YOU… if you’ll just give me your time, attention and approval."
Yuck!! I think I threw up in my mouth a little. I'm sure there's a few ladies feeling like that too!
There's a growing trend occurring and I'm seeing it more and more in my coaching practice, from my peers and from the feedback I get from my followers and fans. Too many men are playing small!
Playing small can show up in a number of ways. He can appear to be a wuss, a wimp, weak and needy. He's become a shadow of who and what he could be.
I'm not here to dump on the sensitive nice guys out there. In fact, I myself played small many times in my life. That's not easy when you are 6'-4"! Yeah, as big as I was I didn't see myself as a big guy on the inside.
I suffered with deep self worth and self confidence issues through my teens and a good deal of my adulthood.
Most men are not even aware of how playing small is showing up in their lives. They come by it very honestly. In truth our pop culture plays a very big role in bringing out the small man within.
Every day men are bombarded with messages about "Happy wife...happy life." Plus, there's a huge slant towards women's empowerment. In the western world women are unstoppable, she's on fire and can do almost anything she desires.
Men are fed images that their role is not much more than that of just another big kid. He's immature, insecure and weak. So he tends to play into the "What have you done for me lately" game.
Men are having a hard time figuring out how to show up for today's empowered woman. So he tends to play save and default to a placater, a pleaser and a smaller version of who he is. All the while thinking this is what she wants.
Sadly, this is getting men into the "friend zone" or "Ick Zone" faster than ever before.
Yeah, It's no wonder guys are more lost, frustrated and confused as to what it means to be a man in today's world than ever before!
Don't for a moment think that playing small is unique to men that have always been wimps and wusses. I have seen men of high status, success and respect allow their small self to surface and ruin a relationship and their lives. It happens to every spectrum. That dude that's kill'n it at work or the sports field may be a completely different man with his woman.
As you know, us guys kinda keep this part of our lives on the down-low.
I mean how often are you bragging to your boys that you're clingy, a total wuss and afraid of her leaving you?
Men and dating expert, David DeAngelo sums it up with, "When one person “clings” to another person “psychologically”, the person who is being “clinged to” RESENTS and REJECTS the needy, clingy emotional parasite…
This is WUSS behaviour at its worst."
So what's a guy to do?
It is a difficult dating and relationship landscape to navigate. Being able to show up powerfully with charisma and and confidence in your current relationship can be tricky. You can't just flip a switch and suddenly your life is changed.
The problem is, that if you have been playing small and you suddenly use a few "techniques" and tools to amp up your "big self", she'll sh*t test your ass off! It won't land the way you want it to and you could be scratching your head in frustration. The reason it does not land is because you do not own it yet. It's not coming across as authentic.
It takes practice, tenacity and a deep will to break a habit or a way of being.
1) Attraction is not a choice: You have to know that attraction is not a choice. Sure, a guy can have the genetics and clothes but that lasts for but a few moments. Attraction comes from your core. You've seen this or felt this many times. You know it's the truth.
When your small self surfaces theirs not a modicum of attraction because you're giving all your power away.
2) Work on your self love and sense of self worth. Too often men are seeking love outside of them selves. This is romantics love. Its sounds like it's all sunshine and Skittles but it is a very selfish form of affection. It comes from a place of "Please validate me!" Or "Here are the conditions in which I will give you love." You can't possible give something you do not have! Especially something so incredibly powerful and personal as love.
The man in the mirror needs YOUR love the most! Start with him!
3) Be decisive - To often than not if you are playing small you are being a YES man. That's a killer in relationships and dating. Make plans, order the food, tell her how you are making things happen. Women today are making way too many decisions out there in the real world. She doesn't want to have to do it in your world too! She's aching for you to step up and own your power and take charge once in awhile.
4) Get coached - Sure you could read a ton of articles, watch a lot of YouTube videos and take some self development programs. However, the behaviour that's messing things up in your life is not new. In fact, it's been dogging your for pretty much most of your life. Unless you do a deep dive into why and how you show up in your life and relationships the way you do, the pattern and unhappiness will persist.
Having coaches and mentors is what helped me turn my life around. I made myself a priority and invested in ME.
Coaching is the most powerful way to get a true understanding about your life and a clear vision for what you want and desire. You are committed to and held accountable to a modality that can truly inspire you to change your life. As #TheCoachForMen I can take you on a powerful journey to unleash the Remarkable Man within. So you can truly show up as her champion. The man she longs for.
Implement what you learn about yourself! Test yourself daily to see how you are growing. How often do you say, "I know that."...Yet you are not living it? What decisions today could make a difference for you and your relationship? What activities can you do today to help you feel manly? Who are you associating with? Are they supportive and where you want to be or are they playing small too?
Playing small is not who you are! It's an ideal you've bought into. It may seem counter intuitive but she truly desires you to step into a bigger man than what you've shown.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to play big in this world.
You're not alone on the journey...I've got your back!
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