I just had a great chat with a woman about how her 28 year old son is getting a divorce because he was...wait for it...too nice!
That's right! Too nice!
That sounds on the surface like he married a self serving and entitled bitch.
But in truth this is happening in relationships everywhere.
"Nice guys" don't cut it in relationship dynamics.
Hang on...of course you are nice and have a good soul, but when it becomes all of who you are...it dos not work the way you think.
Too nice maybe a sign that you have become weak, indecisive and needy.
You take on more feminine energy than the relationship can sustain.
You need validation and seek it through being nice. It does not come from a place of power.
Guys that are in this headspace get wired that being nice and a people pleaser will make the relationship run smoothly and avoid conflict.
Yet, he's mystified when his actions only make her more irritable and distant.
He keeps doing the nice guy thing and not paying attention to the relationship unfolding before him.
This nice guy thing is suppose to work! Right?
Now don't get me wrong.
Sure, women love sweet, nurturing, thoughtful men.
However, she doesn't want a nice guy when it comes from a weak and needy place.
The sexual tension needed is just not there.
The mom of this young man knew exactly how and why things were going sideways for her son. She even took some responsibility and felt guilty because she raised him on her own.
He had no real male role models in his life to show him what it meant to be a man.
She knew how her son was wired and could see why his wife had had enough and wanted out.
With my experience as a coach what I gleaned was that his wife wanted to be ravaged, taken, and be completely in her feminine.
As much as he tried he could not reinvent himself to be that alpha man she craved in her eyes to help get her there!
So what can you do if you are in this situation? (If you are in your truth you'll know it without thinking about it).
Very few men can reinvent themselves into a decisive, confident man in his authentic masculine power while in the same space with her 24/7.
Once you go into the "friend zone" with her it is a tough and unfulfilling journey to get back to her seeing you as her hot, sexy Adonis.
She will see you as a "Nice Guy" trying something on. It won't feel authentic.
Again it comes from a desperate place and she can feel it.
If you are both committed to saving the relationship, the best thing you can do for both of you is separate and take some time away from one another.
Yes, I said separate...Ouch!
Go on a no communication diet for 60-90 days.
You need this time to work on yourself, your confidence, your habitual programs and triggers. You need to nurture the man you are and reignite your mojo.
She needs to be the one to reengage the conversation, to reengage the attraction.
She needs to see and FEEL the changes in you and that you are indeed her Champion.
If she does miss you and sees the changes within you...Now the sexual push/pull tension and natural raw attraction, respect has a good chance to return.
Few men are working on this part of themselves.
They think that a little reading, a couple times with a councillor or getting some insights from her family or friends will do the trick. Often a rare night of great sex has him thinking everything is good again and he's a changed man.
(Cue "wrong answer" buzzer)
Your behaviours are habitual, they have been there for a long time and it is your default way of being with her. It will return faster than can imagine because they are rooted from your parental programming.
Yeah the rabbit whole just got deeper!
Guys if it's broken...you need to focus on who you are as a man.
Claim full responsibility for the issues that are happening between you and your beloved. Take charge and tell her you need to do what you can for yourself so you can save what you two have.
After the 60 or 90 Days...you'll know where you truly stand.
It may be time to call it for what it is and you may in fact have to go your separate ways. But at least you are on the road to discovery and understanding the man you were, the man you are and the man you want to be.
Remember, you are not alone on the journey...At RMP we've got your back.
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