Sex and intimacy.
They are one of the top prime directives in a relationship. It is what makes us come alive, feel connected and powerfully bonded with our beloved.
Sex and intimacy are a big part of a man's sense of masculinity and feeling like a man.
Ask a women, how important sex chemistry is and she too will agree it is a right near the top of "must haves" in a relationship.
With that you would think couples are nocking boots every night!
Sadly, that is not the case at all.
If you are frustrated, feeling rejected and not as intimate with your partner as you would like to be, there are some shocking statistics that prove you are not alone.
I see this a lot in my coaching practice, in my audience and the groups I run - There's a huge lack of sex and intimacy in relationships today.
Over 74% of relationships are in what are considered "sexless" relationships.
Only 26% of couples are having sex at least once a week.
Many are only once a month, and the rest just have given up on sex all together.
How did the juicy, sexy and crazy attraction that got you both into a relationship suddenly dry up?
There are a number of factors of course.
They could be hormonal, they could be due to past trauma, shame, religion, the status of the relationship and the lack of attraction you both have for one another.
However, there are a lot of guys blaming their partner for the lack of sex.
"She's just not into it!"
"She doesn't even try any more."
"She just has sex so I can get off."
"She doesn't like sex any more!"
"It can only happen on her schedule."
There's a hundred different scenarios guys have that point the finger to her going frigid and pulling away in the relationship.
I get it and I hear your frustration.
A man's sense of being a good lover, provider, self worth and charm are tied up in his ability to pleasure his woman and feel that sense of bliss he gives her.
If you are anything like me, you know how on top of the world you feel when you can rock her world sexually.
There's very few occasions in one's life when you can feel more manly and alive.
Yet here you are. A man feeling ever more distant, confused and perhaps questioning the merits of the relationship.
I would caution you to point the finger too quickly until you explore how you could be complicit in creating this environment.
Yes! It could be all about you!
Sex is a result of a masculine/feminine attraction, safety, sense of adventure and trust between you both.
So if you are not getting sex in an otherwise good relationship one of these things is missing.
Take a hard look at how you may have contributed to how she is showing up sexually.
If it is a more serious issue like a past trauma or sexual abuse then what the hell were you doing while you were courting her?
You had to have felt something was not quite right.
Why did you not discuss the tough questions?
Why did you not talk openly about how you are wired sexually?
Was it religious guilt and/or shame?
Why did you not seek help together to address the situation prior to marrying her or living together?
Unless she lied and faked her way into your bedroom and your heart, you should have known her sexual wants, needs and desires long before the tap got turned off.
You both should have been on the same wave length and have a sexual chemistry that makes you both feel in tuned and excited to please one another.
You can't blame and be resentful towards her as you stare at the ceiling on another sexless night, if you did not talk about your mutual values and boundaries with her when things began to cool.
What if it could be hormonal?
Many women experience a shift in their libido after childbirth or if there is a lack of harmony in the relationship, diet or stress.
As much as a lack of testosterone is often he culprit for a man's low sex drive. Women too need testosterone to have that sexual spark and lusty desire.
Explore options that address whether or not it is a hormonal imbalance at fault.
How are you showing up in your authentic masculine power and being her champion?
If you aren't getting any...I can tell you that you are not showing up as her champion at all.
She's got too many concerns running through her head and she's not feeling nearly as feminine and beautiful as she needs to be around you.
You may be in the "friend zone" in your own relationship because you have not stepped in to your power.
Perhaps you were out of integrity somewhere a long the line.
Maybe you allowed things to happen without showing any backbone or masculine prowess.
Maybe YOU are selfish lover and totally suck at pleasuring her.
Maybe you are having an emotional affair with someone else.
Maybe you have abandoned yourself and her emotionally.
Maybe your own insecurities and judgements around sex are creating the lack.
Maybe you never took the time to explore her sexual needs and learned how to control your orgasm so you could last longer.
Yes, there are a lot of factors and a lot of guys are being a little too quick to blame the situation on her.
So what can you do to turn it around?
First: Explore what was mentioned above and see if any of that lands for you.
Second: What are you both doing to keep your, fitness, diet and hygiene a priority to be a constant source of health and physical attraction for yourself and each other?
Third: How are you fostering an environment of romance, passion and lusty fun?
Instead of waiting...take all her excuses away.
Do something around the house beyond the call of duty.
Fix that broken hinge you promised to fix a couple of months ago.
Clean out the garage.
Take a task or concern off her plate.
You have to do what you can to make yourself desirable, masculine and manly.
Now arrange to take her out for "Romance Night" not "Date Night".
Romance night is sexy, intimate and classy.
Have her wear an outfit you know she'll look hot in regardless of her current body image.
Be in your strength and take all the decisions for the night off her plate.
Go out to a romantic restaurant.
Have a flirtatious conversation that gets her remembering the good times and times when she was feeling sexy.
Reinforce how great she felt and how good it is to be intimate with her.
You'll know if she's picking up what you are laying down.
Take her back home with the intent to pleasure her!
Now this won't be easy if you have taken your foot off the gas in the relationship for some time and now are trying on a new YOU with an agenda of having sex with her.
She'll see right through you.
You'll end up pissed off and resentful if she does not want sex with you.
But if you are sincere and have the balls to initiate a new way of being in the relationship it can shift.
If one person does not want sex and continues down this path without ever considering their partner's wants and needs...that's just being selfish and controlling.
There may be a time and place where it just becomes a non-negotiable.
I tell my clients that you can never make someone a priority if you are always an option in their life.
Plus, you can't expect someone else to be the source of your happiness and love.
That's a sure source of resentment in the relationship.
Relationships are not easy. They take constant work, communication, commitment and love to make it work. Sex and intimacy are such huge parts of the mix for the closeness, desire and happiness to be there.
Talk about it, own your part, seek help and put into action what you can do to improve the connection you have.
If all else fails you have to make your decisions from a place of whether or not what you have is worth it.
You both deserve to be happy. Is it in you both to make that happen?
Remember, You are not alone on the journey...I've got your back!
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