"Why can't it be that when she needed me,
Are memories so hard to recover?
I'm nobody's fool,
She's mean when she's cruel,
She's saving herself for another.
I'm waiting in line, I'm wasting my time.
Again and again I keep hoping there's love in her eyes.
What kind of love is this?
Kind that keeps me standing in line."
These are part of the lyrics from a classic song "What Kind Of Love Is this" from Streetheart one of my favourite Canadian bands as a kid.
Okay I am dating myself but have a listen and feel the lyrics and see if it resonates with you.
I know I played right into the drama and heartache that this song is about. I too have had what felt like one-sided relationships. Yuck!
However, fast forward to today, I am #TheCoachForMen and I see this love song scenario being played out time and time again with clients and both men and women in general.
So many people are in relationships that have them standing inline.
However, the real issue is that SHE or HE is not making anyone stand in line. The truth is, our own self worth and self esteem is the issue.
This is very hard for so many people to come to grips with. If you feel you are option in someone's life, like they are always too busy or not returning your calls or giving you the cold shoulder, yet you are the one making them a priority, that's on you!
What is it about a person like that that has you so compelled to throw yourself at them, love them and put up with their BS?
It's your own value or lack there of that you have for yourself.
You are seeing yourself as not good enough for another so you put yourself through hell being with someone that doesn't love you or is not attracted to you.
Yet you still don't see what you are doing is so very unattractive to most people.
When you don't value yourself you will come across as needy, desperate and a people pleaser.
Sure you are trying to be nice to them, but that niceness also comes packed with a whole lot of agendas. When those agendas aren't met then there's a ton of resentment and passive-aggressive behaviour.
Breathe that in.
A person in this place has no business being in a relationship until he/she can get their self love and value to a much higher level.
So here's what you do:
Take an honest self diagnostic of yourself - Do a deep dive into your idiosyncrasies and see if there are some social graces or challenges you need to improve on. Ask a friend you trust and see if maybe your style sucks or your hygiene is off. Maybe you just can't hold a conversation or a job. There's something people are just not telling you.
Be more decisive - Be an action taker. Make plans and keep them. Too many men are doing wishy-washy planning like it's just a suggestion rather than being solid.
Amp up you self worth - Set more Boundaries. People should know exactly what you stand for and respect your boundaries. But they don't know them unless you tell them. Have a deep engaging conversation about what works and what does not work for you. After a few trial and errors begin to be uncompromising in your approach to how you like to be treated.
Love yourself - Probably the biggest one of the bunch and the hardest for most men to accept or do. How can you expect to love someone when you've got none to give to yourself? Too many men are in this needy desperate search for love outside of themselves that it becomes a line in song about heartbreak. Love does not stink, suck or hurt. That's just a romantic notion that people use so they don't have to look at themselves for how they F'ed up yet another relationship because they can't love themselves enough to do it right.
Love does not hurt. It is the most beautiful and powerful energy in the Universe. When you want love from another make sure you love yourself enough first so that another wants to give you their love freely.
You've got this!
Oh and I bet once you hear the tune it will be stuck in your head for days...you're welcome.
Remember: you are not alone on the journey...I've got your back!
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